REVIEWS PART 2

LUDACRIS- WORD OF MOUF

I'm going to admit my bias up front; I'm not big on hip-hop or rap or whatever you wanna call it. With that being said, I'm just going to post some lyrics from this debacle and let you all decide for yourselves whether or not you're stupid enough to listen to this brain dump start to finish:

The royal penis is clean your highness
Thank you, king shit

Yup. Think you can hang with this masterpiece? I can't. I think I'd rather chug a turpentine/broken glass smoothie than ever have to listen to this garbage again. It also doesn't help that every single fucking song is about drug transactions/ho's/killing people/how rich Ludacris is/how poor Ludacris was. I'm from the 'burbs, I could give a shit less about crack cocaine and the guttersluts you ream out at a Motel 6. All the money in the world, and the album art still blows a fat one, too. Yawn, don't care.

0/10

LATE NITE WARS-  DEMO EP

Great, just what everyone fucking needs! Another band of clueless, ex-metalcore retards who jumped the SS BREE BREE ORT ORT when it stopped raking in the cash and washed up on pseudo-sensitive bogus pop-punk island.  I don't know how many times people are going to have to whine about bands like this before they start calling themselves something else, but they're NOT pop-punk. They're not even punk. They're sensitive dick bro-core. Seriously. One of the dinks in this mess is on MTV's "The Real World" currently to score some booty. Sweet bro. Afterwards, you and your football buddies can lather up and take a nice hot shower together and smack each other in the ass with towels. Just kidding, the dude is like 100 lbs. soaking wet and was busy taking Myspace pictures in the school bathroom while the cool kids joked on his girly haircut.  Speaking of that guy and Myspace, after looking at their profile pictures, he also seems completely incapable of closing his mouth. I guess he never knows when the oppurtunity will arise for him to catch a load.

Oh yeah, this band has music. I almost forgot. Well, what do you want me to say? It sounds like these guys like The Movielife and Saves The Day and Blink-182 and New Found Glory and every other shitty, dickless band that every dim-witted 14 year old shopping at Hot Topic likes. Judging from the lyrics (at least the ones I can make out, the vocals are awful), these guys care a lot about broship and nostalgia. Save it for livejournal, ladies. I bet these jerks don't even own a copy of "My Brain Hurts." I'm positive none of their moron fans own copies either.

In closing, this band will probably get huge because most kids are stupid and only listen to a band for 6 months anyway, then they'll fade away and you'll never hear about them again. Either way, I thought they sucked from day one. Eat shit and live.

-1/10

(They just lost a point because I really can't stand that fucking guy with the open-mouth thing. Fuck that guy.)

and following a similar theme....

TITLE FIGHT- KINGSTON

Pretty much the same shit as above. I bet people spinkick to this stuff. I bet these guys think pizza is totally awesome or something and like pool parties and girls. I bet they don't cover The Ramones at band practice, but think "Through Being Cool" is a classic. And people in bands like this almost always suck at skateboarding, which really gets me riled up so FUCK THAT. I'd like to see what these guys are doing once they turn 13 and discover the Lookout! Records back catalog. I'm sure every beanie-wearing, Have Heart jammin', future bike dork in the continental U.S. is eating this up right now, so I give this band a solid 2 years before people pretend they never liked them.

a big fat fuckin' ZIP outta 10; want some tissues so you can cry about it, fanboy?

MY BLOODY VALENTINE- ECSTASY AND WINE

This band is awesome, let me say that right off the bat. And while nothing can touch "Loveless," this album is great nonetheless. Some people think it's pretty cool to like this band right now, and those people are wrong, because it's ALWAYS cool to like this band. Lots of fuzziness and feedback and noise, but it all comes together in a super melodic, sugary, pop music bliss. This combines the "Ecstasy" and "Strawberry Wine" EPs, which even though they're far from essential, are still really great records. I wish that somehow I could go back in time and tack on the "Sunny Sundae Smile" EP onto it as well, because that record blows my mind. I hate everything, but I like this a lot. That should say something. Don't be a poseur.

8/10

That's it. Now I'm gonna be real honest with you guys for a second here. This blog is going totally on what you guys suggest for me to review. And I want to keep it that way. But for five fucking seconds, can you peabrains expand beyond your hardcore-punk-metal horizons and give me some interesting stuff to review??? Seriously, I'm not looking to write about how many breakdowns are on the new Madball record, or be the 1,000,000th person to confirm that "Reign In Blood" is a pretty good album. It's boring and safe and most of that trash is fucking generic and lame. That's it. Now go back to watching TV and listening to Youth Of Today.

FIRST POST, WA-FUCKING-HOO

MICHAEL BOLTON- GREATEST HITS (1985-1995)

I listened to about four of the seventeen tracks on this before totally giving up, and I can definitely admit that I am less of a man for listening to those four songs. 

I don't know what's so "great" about these "hits" other than the fact that someone can consistenly pump out lousy music for TEN FUCKING YEARS STRAIGHT. Not to mention the fact that this talentless turd burglar is still polluting the aural plane with his douchebaggery. This noisedump went 3x Multi-Platinum, which is pretty surprising considering this thing SUCKS. Seriously, 9 million copies worldwide doesn't mean shit, it just means you were able to appeal to the largest, lamest, loneliest target audience ever: stupid old women. Most of the old farts that buy this nerd's records can barely operate motor vehicles or pee standing up, how are they supposed to know what rocks and what doesn't? 

There's a song on this called "Can I Touch You........There?" I swear to god folks, I am not making this shit up. I'm convinced that song was written for another man. What really pisses me off is that I am 100% positive that someone (probably multiple people) boinked this guy in his heyday, thinking he was just too-fucking-cool for school. Oh my god, the 80's sucked a big one. I would never party with this dink in a million years.

Anyway, don't buy this thing, don't even look at it, unless you're trying to punish your son for watching The View or you're trying to terminate your pregnancy or contract cancer or something. 

0/10

FALL SILENT- DRUNKEN VIOLENCE

This sounds like nu-metal being played by fat guys who kinda like that second Cro-Mags LP with Harley singing. And don't act like "Best Wishes" is a better record than "Age Of Quarrel" because that's just stupid. Anyway, the lyrics are kinda sappy at times, which is weird, because I never think of fat tough guy types as being sensitive. I actually have no clue if these guys are fat, I just figured it goes with the territory. I'm pretty sure these guys have kicked lots of ass in their prime, so I'm sure they'll kill me because I'm not spinkicking in my bedroom. Whatever, I've heard worse.

3/10

PENTAGRAM- RELENTLESS

Pentagram rules. I hate doom metal but love this band. This is cool stuff to drink to if you're pregnant.

8/10

(HED) PE-  BACK 2 BASE X

I was going to try and hunt down the new record by these ninkumpoops, but I don't have the patience to find it. Oh yeah, and I don't care about their new record because everything this band does blows. It sounds like they tune their guitars to the key of diarrhea farts, and then they just rap/shout about rebellion through partying. Remember when you were 12, and you thought it was really cool to draw the circle A on everything? Yeah, these guys still think that's really "edgy." They also like "hydro" and not giving a fuck. When they're not busy touring in a shortbus, and packing clubs with the absolute lowest grade of sub-human trailer trash, they're jumping on the "9/11 was an inside job" bandwagon about infinity years too late. Apparently their new record is calling out the New World Order or something. Not that the New World Order is really worried about what a bunch of stoners are gonna do, other than bark about how little of a shit they give and how they just want to get laid without the 33rd Degrees cockblocking them. F-fucking-minus. Oh yeah, and the singer says "nigga." I guess that's kinda cool on opposite day.

0/10

I'm sick of your hype and your misinformed opinions.

Let me start off this blog with something I want to make clear right off the bat:

YOU'RE A DUMMY.

That's right, cool guy. Read that little piece of zen over and over again and let it marinate until you can come to terms with the fact that you are a clueless dweeb.

I made this blog so you retards can save yourselves the duty of actually having to think about the crap that you shovel into your ears. There are a lot of dickheads out there, trying to tell you what's "good" and what's "cool" and what's "the next big thing." Don't listen to those creeps. They're only slightly less clueless than you are, and that's just because they're older than you 16 year old knuckledraggers. My word is law, now close your yap and take notes.

Your sole responsibility is to give me albums that you want me to formulate an opinion on. I don't care if you love or hate the album, I'm doing this as a public service. You deserve to know if your band blows, or if your favorite record of all time would be better suited as a coaster for the bottom of my trashcan. There's not going to be any sort of cushy dialogue, or me justifying shitty music by saying drivel like "They're good dudes though." Being nice seldom results in quality music.

 Now at this point, you're probably going "B-b-b-but that's your OPINION. I can like WHATEVER I WANT." Shut up. I don't care about the inane sentiments you carry for the latest piece of sonic dookie you're gobbling up this month, I don't like your crybaby attitude and I don't like your crybaby musical leanings.

Finally, I just want to say something to anyone who doesn't like what I have to say: eat a dick. Seriously. Make your own dumbass blog, and flounder around while trying to make up stupid reasons for why you like the new Pink record, you fucking twit.

1-2-3-4 Go.